Expecting
DG and I requested information from 2 adoption agencies on Monday. We had looked at other agencies, but those doors closed in various ways. So, we've chewed and prayed and looked and decided to send out for information from Edna Gladney and Graceworks in Cincinnati. We got an email back from Graceworks that they are no longer doing adoptions. It is strange how these 'doors' just get closed.....almost like God is guiding us!!!
STill pray for us as we discern exactly where God needs us to search for our baby. We need to settle on an agency before we can really start officially on this journey, but it really does feel a tiny bit like we are expecting.
I know for me, today, I battled with emotions that were tough to pinpoint. Was I sad? Frustrated? Grieving still? Worried? Excited? Scared? Yes. I think that at each point in this journey, with each step--i still find that it is almost as if I reopen a trunk that has the dust the flies up when it's opened. The hurt and grief and disappointment resurface. Not quite as acute, but there none the less. Once I figured that out, I felt much better. It is so tough to articulate. Those defenses start to come up as people, with much love and care in their responses, say just the perfectly wrong thing. Like: You can have my kids. I want to say: Really, ok, because they will be much cheaper than what we are looking at. Or just adopt and then you will get pregnant...and just this visceral thing pops up in me thinking....please don't go back there. There are times when I just with this weren't part of the stitching on our quilt, you know? Yet, I know, Lord, that you are making it beautiful....help us to just hold onto that. I guess I just have to let go of the notion that just because we are starting a new journey, that the other leg of the journey will just go away. It is our history and I can't expect it to erase...nor would I want it to.
We are expecting.
STill pray for us as we discern exactly where God needs us to search for our baby. We need to settle on an agency before we can really start officially on this journey, but it really does feel a tiny bit like we are expecting.
I know for me, today, I battled with emotions that were tough to pinpoint. Was I sad? Frustrated? Grieving still? Worried? Excited? Scared? Yes. I think that at each point in this journey, with each step--i still find that it is almost as if I reopen a trunk that has the dust the flies up when it's opened. The hurt and grief and disappointment resurface. Not quite as acute, but there none the less. Once I figured that out, I felt much better. It is so tough to articulate. Those defenses start to come up as people, with much love and care in their responses, say just the perfectly wrong thing. Like: You can have my kids. I want to say: Really, ok, because they will be much cheaper than what we are looking at. Or just adopt and then you will get pregnant...and just this visceral thing pops up in me thinking....please don't go back there. There are times when I just with this weren't part of the stitching on our quilt, you know? Yet, I know, Lord, that you are making it beautiful....help us to just hold onto that. I guess I just have to let go of the notion that just because we are starting a new journey, that the other leg of the journey will just go away. It is our history and I can't expect it to erase...nor would I want it to.
We are expecting.